How to Tell Yourself a Better Story
What we tell ourselves about anything affects how we feel about everything
Here’s a few stories I used to tell myself about my career paths (yes, plural):
You got a degree in psychology, then worked as a magazine editor for years. What a waste.
You got your Master’s in psychology and licensed as a therapist, then stopped practicing and went back to being an editor and writer. What a waste.
You got certified as a holistic health and nutrition coach and then basically never used it. What a waste.
You spent thousands of dollars on marketing courses and then rarely implemented what you learned. What a waste.
What is wrong with you that you can’t choose a straight path forward and just stick with it? When are you going to start acting like a proper adult?
Oof. So harsh, right? I would literally NEVER talk like that to anyone else, but I sure did tell myself what a loser I was on the regular. And those stories shaped my view of myself and affected how I felt about myself and what I was doing in the world: depressed, frustrated, disappointed. Just BAD.
But I know I am not alone. It’s human nature to tell ourselves stories about everything in our lives. Conversations we have, work we do, even the feelings we have. We’re constantly judging and trying to put things into context — even if that story is nowhere near the truth of the matter.
Why do we tell ourselves stories?
Humans are a storytelling species. Always have been. It’s how traditions were passed down and the history of our humanity lived on through the generations. It’s why we love movies and books and why when a teacher or presenter shares a story related to their subject, our ears suddenly perk up. We LOVE stories.
They tell us about our shared humanity and make us feel less alone. They open our eyes and minds to possibilities, to ways that other people live that are completely different to our own.
Stories are also how we make sense of ourselves and our lives.
Day-to-day life can be hard, confusing, disappointing, and non-sensical more often than we like, and when this happens, we don’t feel secure or safe. And more than anything, humans need to feel safe. When we don’t, our bodies go into fight-or-flight response and our brains’ higher cognitive functions literally click off so that all of our physical and mental energy is funneled to fighting off the perceived threat.
At the same time, cortisol is dumped into our bloodstreams, which ramps up the physical feelings of panic, distress, and fear.
In short, we feel BAD. And to stop us from feeling bad, we do whatever we can to neutralize the threat and bring back our sense of safety, including telling ourselves a story to make us feel better. It doesn’t matter if the story is TRUE, we just need to make sense of what is happening.
The ironic thing about this is that the story we tell ourselves frequently makes us feel worse about ourselves personally (see my self-flagellation series above), but providing ourselves a narrative — this happened because X, Y, and Z — feels oddly comforting nonetheless.
So the key here is to:
Be aware that we’re all doing this all the time,
Notice when our stories are negative, and
Choose to tell ourselves better stories.
Because over time, telling ourselves negative stories eats away at our self of self, our confidence, our mental and emotional wellbeing, and our belief in our ability to create the kind of life we really want. In other words, it matters a LOT.
Learning to tell yourself a better story
The first step in telling yourself a better story is to understand the one you’re currently telling yourself. I find the easiest way to do this is to write it down.
Think about whatever situation you’re struggling with and write down your internal dialogue about it. Do not edit yourself. Let the brutal honesty come out, no matter how ugly it might look.
Notice if your dialogue is about someone else —“The things he says are so hurtful” — and if it is, ask yourself what this story leads you to believe about yourself: “I’m not worth being treated better”. Now we’re getting to the good stuff.
Now ask yourself, “Is this true?” Do you really believe this negative story about yourself? If so, do you want to keep believing this negative story about yourself? How does believing this story make you feel? I’m guessing pretty bad.
What is a better story to tell yourself?
“His behavior is a reflection of what’s going on inside of him, not me.”
“I AM worth being treated well.”
And here’s a really good one: “He is not capable (for whatever reason, good or bad) of not treating me the way I deserve, so now I am free to find someone who is.”
How does this story make you feel? Probably more confident, more free, and more hopeful. Infinitely better than before, right?
The beauty of this approach is in its simplicity and its adaptability to every situation in life. You can implement it anywhere you are stuck in a negative cycle and start to break free.
When I reframed my own negative stories about my seemingly disjointed career paths as the pursuit of several complementary passions that I could bring together in a unique-to-me way as a life coach focusing on storytelling as a path toward healing, I felt more confident, purposeful, and grateful for all of my experiences.
If you’d like to start telling yourself better stories about yourself, your relationships, your job, your parenting — anything at all, set up a coaching session with me today! I want to help you live a better story as soon as possible.
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