How to Live is written as a love letter to my daughter to share all the things I hope might help her live a better life.
How to Get Through a Crisis
Sometimes life just sucks. The levels of suckiness vary, of course, but the fact remains: it really can be the worst.
More than the everyday inconveniences or roadblocks, there are times when a situation stops you in your tracks and it’s really hard to move forward, or move at all. You know the biggies: divorce, death, losing a job, or someone you love going through something impossibly hard. And now we can add to the list a global pandemic and a new war that has added to the things we’re worried about.
But other things can feel just as traumatizing — maybe more. Bullying. Ongoing financial stress. Losing a friendship. Moving somewhere new and having to start over from scratch.
Those things affect your mental, emotional, and physical health the same as when someone you love dies. It can be tricky to realize sometimes when you’re having a trauma response to something since you can’t always point to one specific thing that happened. But that doesn’t make it any less traumatic.
A few clues are if you’re having a hard time motivating yourself to do anything or it’s hard to focus on your work or you just feel like crying “for no reason”. When you feel like that, it’s actually a trauma response taking the form of depression or super low motivation. So it’s important that you are extra kind to yourself when this happens.
Sometimes we get the message that something “shouldn’t” bother us or we should just “get over” something. That’s some crap right there. You are the expert on yourself and your feelings and it’s going to take you as long as you need to work through it to get to a better place. Unfortunately, a lot of people add to their pain by piling judgment on top of their already-wounded hearts. Please don’t do this to yourself. You’re suffering enough as it is.
Also, your thoughts are powerful, so try to notice if you’re having negative ones like, Maybe what they’re saying about me is true and I AM a terrible person, or I can never trust anyone ever again, or People are the ACTUAL worst and will always hurt me. In therapy-talk, those are called cognitive distortions and all they do is keep you stuck feeling awful and prevent you from figuring out a way forward.
Worse, they make you lose hope. And you have to cling to hope, no matter what. No matter how tiny a sliver you can find. It’s worth gathering up whatever shred of energy you have left to find a bit of hope somewhere and cling to it with all your heart.
Here are a few things I’ve done to get through some of my darkest hours. Maybe they’ll help you too.
When something bad first happens, you might feel like crying all the time. That’s okay. Crying is actually a really good release for those negative emotions and stress hormones. But also, you might need to go to school or do something else where you can’t be crying all the time. When I was going through my divorce, I set aside some time every morning where I would cry as much and as hard as I needed to. Then when that time was done, I’d dry my eyes and journal a bit about my feelings and then go on with my day. I knew at the very least, I would have that time every day to release some of the pain I was carrying.
Sleep can be extra hard when you’re going through a trauma, but at least try to get in bed and close your eyes, maybe diffuse some relaxing essential oils or listen to calming music to try to signal your body it’s okay to relax for a while.
I know when I’m super upset or depressed, those feelings seem to fill my stomach and crowd out any space for food, and it’s really hard for me to eat. But it’s important to make yourself eat regular, healthy meals — lots of fruits and veggies and protein and water. It has a major effect on your mood, trust me. You’re too young for it now, but when you’re older, you might want to drink to numb out, which I totally get, but I also know it can be a recipe for disaster. I’ve told you before that you saved my life because your dad left when I was pregnant, so I couldn’t drink. And believe me, I would have if I wasn’t pregnant and it would have gotten ugly pretty fast.
Also, get outside and move your body in the fresh air and sunshine. Walking alone or with a trusted friend is really helpful. See a therapist, take meds if that’s appropriate, pray, meditate, do breathwork exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, ground exercises, play with pets — anything that brings you comfort and some positive release.
Cut out any non-essential activities or obligations — this is NOT the time for even the smallest extra thing. Simplify your schedule and don’t make any big decisions for a while. Don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t absolutely need to. You don’t have the energy for it, so don’t push it. It’s not helpful and could actually be harmful.
DO schedule the things you love most: going to a movie, getting a special Starbucks drink, listening to your favorite music.
Take care of yourself as lovingly as I would. Remember how many difficulties you’ve survived and overcome. Remember your goodness and strength and how precious you are to so many. Remember how creative, smart, and funny you are and that who you are is a gift to this world. We need you, we want you, and we love you.
You will make it through this, my love. And I will be with you every step of the way.
Love,
Mommy
What’s Giving Me Life
This past weekend, Outlander returned after a TWO-YEAR hiatus — the Droughtlander (I didn’t coin the phrase, but it’s genius) was long and painful, friends.
I came late to the show via the streaming services, but it quickly became my comfort watch. The one I turn on while I cook dinner or when nothing else is on. I’ve honestly lost count how many times I’ve watched the series in the last two years.
But the wait is over. The nearly hour-and-a-half–long premiere episode was everything I’d hoped it would be, and I can tell they’re going to take us on a wild ride this season, and I am HERE for it.
If you haven’t watched Outlander but like historical fiction, action, romance, and gorgeous scenery, then please join the fandom. If for no other reason than so we can talk about it together.
I can’t help but get so emotional when I read this!! It takes me back to my first pregnancy and how I was dealing with severe depression. It was a dark period for me, which sucked because it’s supposed to be one of the most joyful times in a woman’s life. Great advice on how to heal from trauma!! It gives me helpful insight on how I can help others when they’re going through a difficult time. ❤️