How to Disappoint Yourself Less
Why driving through Villanova's campus makes me emo, apparently
How to Live is written as a love letter to my daughter to share all the things I hope might help her live a better life.
How to Disappoint Yourself Less
Hi Baby,
You know how whenever we drive through Villanova’s campus, I always say how beautiful it is and how much I loved college? I try to peek into the windows to get a glimpse of that special time of life where everything feels like possibility (yes, I know that sounds creepy. No, I’m not going to stop.)
Just driving through that historic campus, with its soaring spires and centuries-old stone facades, reminds me of the four years I was in college, not in Philadelphia but in San Diego, and not on a historic East-coast campus, but at an ocean-front school where at night we could see Mexico’s lights twinkling in the distance. It’s not about where the school was, obviously, but the feeling associated with it that I miss. I had my whole life ahead of me and was there to figure out what that was going to look like. It felt like freedom and excitement. Like being on the cusp of something great.
I miss that. And I think that’s why I’m a bit wistful when we drive through Villanova. Because life 25 years later looks a lot different than I thought it would back then. And for the parts of my life that are not what I thought they’d be, I feel sad. If I’m being really honest, I feel a bit disappointed in myself. For what, exactly? A lot of things, I guess, most of which boil down to choices I did and didn’t make. And most of the choices I regret are a result of me not knowing and trusting myself very well.
But then, I suppose that’s kind of the whole point of life, isn’t it? To know yourself better with each year and every experience. Logically, I know it doesn’t do any good to blame myself for just living and growing and maturing like a regular person, but that disappointment is a real thing.
For the record, I am not disappointed with everything in my life. Not by a long shot. I am so happy I get to be your Mommy (and for the love of all that’s holy, I beg you to change my name from “Mother” in your phone), and I’m so glad I’ve done whatever I’ve had to work from home so I could be here for you when you needed me. And there are plenty of other things in my life I’m happy about too.
But what I’m realizing now, at 44, that I didn’t know when I was 21: The best way to not disappoint yourself (or to do it less frequently at the very least) is to trust your gut. Your instincts, the little tug inside that says, That doesn’t feel right. Something’s off here. Listen to that. It’s always right.
And also, keep doing more of the things that make you happy, that you feel excited to do, that feel warm inside and like openness and freedom (that last bit of advice is from Martha Beck whose books I highly recommend you read). Do less of what you think you “should” do (remember, “should-ing” on yourself is a terrible practice) and more of what your inner knowing is pointing you toward.
This won’t always protect you from disappointing yourself, but overall, I promise you’ll feel a lot happier with the direction your life goes if you do.
I love you,
Mommy
What’s Giving Me Life
Right now, the world is a bit of a dumpster fire, but what I’ve learned to do during particularly hard times is look for and cling on to the small joys.
This week this looks like podcasts that make me genuinely laugh. In particular, The Popcast with Knox and Jamie. Their banter reminds me of the quick, smart dialogue on Gilmore Girls, which you know I love, and the focus on pop culture is the perfect counter to the massive heaviness that just about everything else carries now.
Like the tagline says: “A weekly podcast educating you on things that entertain, but do not matter.” Perfect.
Also, this.
Beautifully written!! I can sense the authenticity of your blog. I love how you took us back to your college days and shared some of your fond memories! This is great work! Keep it up, Sis!